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From：Canada
- Register：12/07/2008 01:08 AM
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Date Posted：07/24/2016 16:20 PMCopy HTML
Me and You
December 15, 2015 | ThePsycheDevyne | useless, dumb, twat, cunt, annoying, punch, wrestling, blog, livejournal, work, stopwastingmytime, prat, advice, me, you, healing, endofyou | Leave a comment
It’s really been quite some time since I’ve written for my blog. I’ve been so busy and running around all over the place by myself and with certain company. But that’s another post all together. I want to talk about two things this post. One is advice to myself and the other is writing about ‘you’. Or the many ‘you’s’ that I know. I don’t plan to be specific here, but some things will easily speak for themselves.
Advice to Self:
Things for you have been… interesting. You left one company to switch to another. You broke up with your ex and left everything behind you when you left the same company. You met someone else. Dad passed, but you got through it. You won a title, but lost it. All these things you have done. Be proud. Be fucking PROUD. You’re doing amazing. Continue down that path.
The place you work for now is rather brilliant. You aren’t working as much, so it’s not burning you out like the other would. There’s a lot more down time, which gives you more chances to do things that matter to you. Keep doing that. Travel and see everything you can in America and Canada. This is what you’ve always wanted. Hold onto it.
Don’t dwell on the past. You’ve done an amazing job avoiding that so far in some aspects. Don’t compare things to your past. It might ruin what you have now. Keep the memories of the good things and throw away the ones of the past. No point in keeping them close.
You’ve met someone. That’s amazing. He’s done things for you that you never thought anyone could do. Don’t fuck it up, yeah? Fucking it up now would make things worse for you and would hurt a person you are really enjoying having in your life. Remember that when making decisions.
Keep going after titles. Keep bettering yourself. Keep fighting. This is what you’re meant to do. This is why you’re here. Prove you belong. More than you already have. Take chances. Make mistakes. Grow from it all. That’s the only way you’ll learn to become everything you wanted to be. You deserve it. You deserve all of it.
You:
I used to really like you. You, I used to look up to. You, I had a thing for. You, I really saw you as a cool friend. You, I felt respect for. You’ve ruined that. You’ve done something really shite that I won’t forgive… and if I do… it’ll be a long fucking time. It may be petty to you… but it was big to me. You have no idea the kind of stuff I go through on a day-to-day basis. You don’t know how hard it can be to actually GET UP some days. Again.. petty and stupid to you, big to me. That’s not your fault, but you sure as hell added to it some days. And still do when I only have my own brain for company. You come back… and make me even more angry and upset with myself. So thanks for that.
You ruined any feelings I felt for you. My respect is lost for you. You’ve taken away every good thought I had and replaced it with darkness. You broke me for a time. I did everything for you and you still tossed it all away like nothing. You’re worthless.
Now I must face you. I must break you. I need to come out the winner. You’re just the next step. You’re just the woman blocking my way to get back to where I was before. You are just a tool. You are a challenge that I must overcome. But in order to beat the game, you must fall. I intend to do just that. I will beat you.
I’ve hidden you. My ill feelings towards you are so strong, that I can’t even bear to see anything that has to do with you. I can’t bear to look at your newest photo. I can’t bear to read the posts you write. I can’t bear to simply have a conversation with you. You wonder why I give you one word answers? Because I want you to leave me alone. The fucked up thing? When some of you aren’t talking to me, I get more narked that I’m not hearing from you. Anything you say to me instantly makes me angry. Sometimes I look to see if you specifically have messaged me. If you haven’t, I get angry. If you have… I get angry. But I can’t bear to delete you.
Not all of the ‘you’s… I have deleted a few… but some, I can’t bring myself to cut you completely out of my life because I am scared of losing you, stupidly. I’m treated like shit, yet still don’t want to lose you.
Stupid, right?
I can’t help but feel that hope that you DID message me. Hoping you’ll apologize. Hoping you’ll tell me I was right. Hoping you’ll realize how much of a jackass you were. Hoping you’ve changed. Hoping you’re what I remember you as. Hoping to hear she’s left you so I don’t have to care about you any longer. Hoping you’ll start wanting me around more again.
You can’t always get what you want, though. I guess I’ll have to just sit here… hoping. Sit here waiting. Sit here deciding whether I should just cut you out completely.
It might even be for the best, really.. The thought is upsetting. I wish I had the guts to tell you how much you’ve hurt me. I’ve told others… but was kicked further down anyways. Its what scares me about saying anything to the other ‘you’s.
But what I WILL do… is try to let you all go. I will try to end my own torment because of you. Thoughts of you and the things you do every day. There will be a time where I no longer worry about you. I no longer am concerned with you. I no longer wait for you. This is my life. You were just a small role. You don’t belong in the whole book. You are minor. You are forgettable.
And I will do just that.
Forget. |
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